People needing to control others (to their hurt) to feel happy themselves

Just a stub for now

I've noticed that some people don't feel comfortable or safe if they're not, as they see it, ``in control of their own lives'', which in practice means that they have to see everyone they interact with show repeated willingness to defer to them.

Of course, no-one is in control of their own lives anyway, even were they to be isolated from the needs and aspirations of other people; as the Philosopher put it, ``Time and chance happen to all''[Ecclesiastes 9:11-12].

So here we have people who depend on living a lie, who have even the possibility of relaxation or happiness if they have taken themselves in to the belief that something impossible is in fact the case; and they regard themselves as entitled to claim this condition regardless of the cost to others.

It is interesting that some parts of society let these people carve such security out of their friends; of course, these people gravitate into these parts of society. Such a permission is perhaps a form of political correctness: segments of societies are founded are mutual agreements to treat particular lies as truth.

[970221]

It could be that this is sometimes done in defence against people using others to affirm themselves (Annoyance at being used by someone to make them feel that you're accepting them) or against those who, in effect, still have their umbilical cords attached*.

[990301]

In the 5 years or so since I wrote this page I've changed a lot... I now realize that, to those who seemed to me to be controlling, I must have seemed clingy and dependent. That was when I had untreated depression; now that I've been successfully treated (through cognitive therapy) I'm no longer clingy and dependent; in fact, I have considerable difficulty with people who are now as I used to be. I've kept this page, however, as a reminder to me (as I am now) what people like me (as I am now) seem to people who are like I used to be.

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For other essays, see the index to this collection; and for some other thoughts, my thoughts index.

Last modified: Sun Jun 10 22:28:51 GMT Daylight Time 2007